Hi! first, I would like to make an addition to last week’s post on mooncups/organicups/diva cups or whatever your preferred brand is. My friend was convinced by my review to give it a try, and she is one of those way-too-enthusiastic people who leave encouraging notes on the back of toilet doors now, if that helps anyone (although I’m sure she’s probably the only one that reads this). Anyway, she made commented that on my review I seemed too astonished by its size and alarmed her. So she was pleasantly surprised when she received hers in the mail. She made this very excellent point: it’s not nearly as big as a dick. Lol. I mean, it’s not quite as… um… aerodynamically shaped… but yeah, if you can manage that, you’ll have no problem. Very good point worth mentioning.
OK the true point of today is: irritating people. But specifically the ones who irritate you with no real just cause, which irritates you more, because you feel like it’s your fault but also your inner Neanderthal instinct just says ‘no’ to that person.
I know a few people like this. One just got engaged. Very sweet girl. Used to be a close friend of hers at one point. But she slowly grew to irritate me so deeply that I can no longer speak to her. Usually I would greet engagement news even of a long-distance acquaintance with genuine joy and happiness, but hers just irritated me. Why? I don’t know. I feel dreadfully uncharitable. I have no reason!!! She’s just ANNOYING. She’s too sickly sweet. She puts on airs like she farts peaches and cream. Can’t be doing with it.
Another is this very mild very tiny sitch that I have going on, and again, it’s filling me with this irrational desire to be extremely rude. Guy in question is, on the face of it, very inoffensive. Why has he irritated me so much? Possibly because I know where he’s heading and I don’t like it. Or I think I know what he’s thinking and I really don’t like it. Maybe I don’t, maybe I’ve got him all wrong, but then again maybe I haven’t… but I just can’t be as rude to him as he makes me want to be, so I’m going to vent it on the internet instead, where no-one will ever find it.
Because I’m between uni and home, I don’t go to my home church all that much now. There’s a guy, we’ll call him John, I’d guess about twenty, really tall, long black hair, very awkward. Fairly new as our congregation goes, I reckon he’s only been coming about four years (hahaha no really. Ours is full of elderly lifers). Felt like I ought to get to know him a bit because it’s important to make newbies feel welcome. In the end, I didn’t, because I didn’t want to encourage…. anything. So basically I’ve never spoken to him.
Backstory: when you’re the only teenage girl at a small village church, you pick up a fair bit of unwanted attention. ‘Nice guys’, who are anything but. Been burnt a couple of times like this, hence the wariness. I’m not being a deliberate knobhead, I’ve just had enough of midnight messages of ‘will you be my girlfriend’. In the end I ‘married’ my best friend on facebook to stop the stupid relationship requests from coming in. ‘C— has listed you as his girlfriend, will you accept?’ Fuck no. In this instance the person in question was special and had no concept of boundaries. Made my life a bit miserable for a while. And you have to be a lot more careful around special people. It sorted itself out in the end after a few excruciating conversations, not just with him either. Parents, church wardens etc. I just do. Not. Need. That.
ANYWAY. Went to church on Sunday as I’m back home for my Easter hols. ‘John’ was in church. Our only contact was a handshake during the peace (you literally shake hands with – or hug, or kiss, if you’re so inclined – EVERYONE and say ‘peace be with you’, a part of the service I actually really love). Got home to find a facebook friend request. I thought, “Do I want to add him? No I do not.” But then my kindlier half said, “Give him the benefit of the doubt, he maybe just adds every randomer on facebook, not everyone is weird.” So I accepted.
WHY ARE GUYS SO ANNOYING? I bloody KNEW I shouldn’t have. Female intuition. Definitely a thing.
Seconds later, I get a message. I’ll type them in and you can see if you find them irritating. It’s not so much what he says, it’s what’s behind it, and his weird faux-interest and admittedly v. mild humble bragging. I nearly sent him a gif of dear Shania in her leopard-print crop top/cape. ‘That don’t impress-a me much, uh uh uh-huh.’
Here we go:
Him: ‘Hey, we’ve met at church a few times. Saw you play the piano- its really good! I’m a strong Chopin man myself, what kind of music are you into?’
Me, after considering immediately blocking him for no reason other than the ‘strong Chopin man myself’ part: ‘Hey, yeah I’ve seen you a few times, I’m never at church really because I move around a lot, live in —- at the moment. Thank you very much, that’s very kind. Hope you had a good easter.’ (Deliberately ended the convo and avoided the question hoping he’d get the hint. Nope.)
Him: ‘Yeah I know what you mean, are you at uni? It’s the same here, I’m half here half in —-. No worries, you have any particular music favourites like? Yeah my Easter was good thanks, kinda got roped into preaching next week though which makes this week interesting :0’
Me: (inner swearing at him but unable to bring myself to blank him because I am too polite): ‘Piano, I’ll play anything. I like classical too. Music, I like punk, 1970s rock. Cool, what are you doing at —? good luck next week, what are you speaking on?’
Him, a day later: ‘Ah nice! How long have you been playing the piano? 70s rock is big in our house, I can defs appreciate it 🙂 Cheers, I’ll be speaking on the perfection of faith in the disciples. Will I see you around?’
Me, ready to jinx him: … silence, I think I’ve decided to blank this one. I have all sorts of comebacks I can’t actually say. Like ‘How long have you been playing the piano?’ ‘Almost as long as you’ve been alive’, sort of thing. Or maybe ‘Roped into preaching? Sounds painful.’ Oh, and obvs just sending Shania’s glorious leopard-print outfit, a thought which fills me with joy. It came so, so close. I know there definitely is the perfect gif because my fingers hovered over it for a second… Do you think I could just drop little nuggets in like ‘Do you have a comb up your sleeve, just in case?’ Mind you, he’d probably just think I was very very strange, he’s probably not old enough to catch the joke. If it gets awkward I could finish it with ‘Don’t get me wrong, yeah, I think you’re all right…’
Oh literally as I’m writing this I get a notification. ‘John likes your video.’ Oh great.
Do you know what I mean, though? I’ve never spoken to him. I don’t want to speak to him. I don’t care about music particularly and it’s the worst conversation opener ever. But he hasn’t done anything WRONG. He’s been totally polite and nice. Why is he so annoying? My best pal is 9847 x more chill than I am and I can almost hear her now saying ‘Why are you like this? He’s done nothing. Just talk to him. Maybe he’s lovely. He just wants a friend. Why has he annoyed you?’ Dear, I know. I don’t understand either. He just has. Male entitlement I guess. And because… I feel like he’s led in with the intention of asking me a question I do not want to have to listen to. And then I will have to give an answer and it will all be horrible. Just leave me alone pls. Ah this dance of politeness… It will only cause embarrassment in the end. Thing is, I can’t even head him off early with ‘I’m seeing someone else’ because what if he isn’t heading to the inevitable place I think he is? It is a lose-lose.
OK chatting it out with an invisible, possibly imaginary, audience has made up my mind. I’m gonna ignore him henceforth.
I’m pissed off for a few reasons really in that a) he’s taking up my time and b) I’m worrying about hurting his feelings already and c) why do they not get the hint and d) if you can’t speak to me in person don’t ask me weird questions on the internet and e) I really don’t care boy bye. FEMINISM. No time any more. I want to claim my own space.
Huge overreaction probably but I have almost no fucks left to give.
So anyway guys, thanks, you were all really helpful J I’ll keep y’all updated if anything interesting happens, or anything that’s enough to push me over the edge into sending him Shania in her absolutely fucking iconic leggings and matching suitcase.
Yours not-very-impressedly,
Georgie
In other news, taking the piss is like breathing in our house
I went out with my parents. We’d gone out for a pub dinner and when we came back I was so stuffed I announced, “I am going to have to undo my flies.” Mum looked at me with such utter disgust. I said, “What? I got genes from both of you.” And we laughed madly.
My dad alternates between calling himself an ooooold man and telling us how he rowed 10,000m in 42 minutes this morning. He is funny, generally. He still makes my mum giggle madly after thirty-five years. Goals.
Anyway he just said something about not being able to get up in the morning (even though he’s retired) and obviously we started rolling our eyes.
Mum goes, “Behind every great man, there is a woman – taking the piss.”
Then me and Dad had a disagreement over who won our game of Name That Tune yesterday and he turned to my mum and said, “She’s got such an irritating character… just like you.”
Now Dad’s winding her up and she goes, “Get OFF I told you, otherwise I will poke you in the eye!” we started sniggering again and Dad huffs, “Oh, yeah, and then you’ll hurt your finger, and that’ll be my fault an’ all.” They are really funny.
thoughtsunqualified 